What I Actually Learned From a Long Distance Relationship
I never thought I'd be the kind of person who could do long distance.
I'm needy. I like physical presence. I want someone there when I've had a bad day, not three time zones away sending heart emojis.
But then I met someone who lived 800 miles away. And suddenly I was that person—the one FaceTiming at midnight, planning visits around flight sales, falling asleep on the phone because hanging up felt like losing something.
Long distance relationships get a bad reputation. And honestly? Some of that reputation is earned. But some of it is just fear talking.
Here's what I actually learned from being in one.
The part nobody warns you about
Everyone talks about missing each other. The distance. The longing. That part is obvious.
What nobody tells you is how much you'll learn to communicate. When you can't just... be together, you have to actually talk. About everything. There's no sitting in comfortable silence watching TV. There's no letting a fight dissolve because you got distracted by dinner.
In long distance, words are all you have. So you learn to use them.
That part was actually good for me. (The girl who used to shut down instead of saying what she felt.)
The green flags that told me it could work
Not every long distance relationship survives. Mine almost didn't, twice. But looking back, there were signs early on that told me this person was actually committed—not just playing the part until someone closer came along.
1. He initiated just as much as I did
I wasn't always the one calling. I wasn't always the one making plans. He'd text first. He'd suggest FaceTime. He'd send me stupid memes at 7am his time, which was 10am mine.
Balance matters. If you're the only one reaching across the distance, you're in a one-sided relationship that happens to also be long distance. Double the problems.
2. We had a plan
Not just "we'll figure it out eventually." An actual timeline. When we'd next see each other. What the end goal was. Who would move, and roughly when.
Long distance without a plan is just pen pals with sexual tension. It's not a relationship with a future. It's a holding pattern.
3. He was transparent about his life
I knew his friends. I'd met his family on video calls. He'd tell me about his day, unprompted—the boring parts, not just the highlights.
When someone is hiding their long distance partner, that's not privacy. That's preparation for an exit.
4. Jealousy didn't rule us
Look, I'm not saying I never felt insecure. I absolutely did. Especially at 2am when he was out with friends and I was alone in my apartment imagining scenarios that weren't happening.
But we talked about it. He reassured me without making me feel crazy. I trusted him without demanding constant proof.
If you need someone to send their location every hour, you don't have a long distance relationship. You have an anxiety disorder with a romantic subplot.
5. The visits actually happened
Plans weren't just plans. Flights got booked. Time off got requested. We both made sacrifices to make the visits work.
Someone who always has an excuse for why they can't visit is telling you where you rank on their priority list. Listen.
The red flags I should have seen sooner
Before this relationship, there was another long distance attempt. That one didn't end well. Here's what I missed:
The future was always vague
"We'll figure it out" is not a plan. It's avoidance dressed as optimism. When I pushed for specifics, he got uncomfortable. That should have told me everything.
He only showed up when it was convenient
Consistent texts when he was bored at work. Radio silence when he was with friends on weekends. I existed for his lonely moments, not his whole life.
I was doing all the traveling
I visited him four times. He visited me once. The imbalance was obvious. I chose to ignore it because I wanted it to work.
Wanting something to work isn't the same as it actually working.
What long distance taught me about relationships in general
Here's the unexpected part: I think doing long distance made me better at all relationships.
I learned how to communicate. Actually say what I was feeling instead of hoping someone would just know.
I learned that presence isn't everything. Someone can be physically next to you and still emotionally absent. Distance just makes absence more obvious.
I learned that effort is visible. When someone wants to be with you, they find ways. Across miles, across time zones, across every obstacle. And when they don't want to—those excuses become obvious too.
The question I get asked most
People always ask: "Is long distance worth it?"
I can't answer that for anyone else. But for me? It was worth it because of who was on the other end. Not because long distance is inherently romantic or noble. It's actually exhausting and expensive and sometimes really lonely.
It was worth it because he was worth it.
If the person on the other end isn't showing up—if they're not making plans, not prioritizing you, not giving you security—then no. Long distance isn't worth it. But that's not a long distance problem. That's a them problem.
For the people in it right now
If you're doing long distance and it feels hard, that's normal. It is hard.
But hard and bad aren't the same thing.
Pay attention to how they show up. Not just how much they say they miss you, but what they actually do about it. Words are easy when you're far away. Actions still matter, maybe even more.
And trust yourself. If something feels off, it probably is. Distance doesn't excuse inconsistency. Distance doesn't excuse broken promises. Distance doesn't excuse making you feel like an afterthought.
You deserve someone who makes you feel chosen, even from 800 miles away.
I use The Bar to keep track of what matters to me in relationships—whether they're long distance or not. It's easy to forget your standards when you're lonely at 2am. Having them written down helps.