The Bad Boyfriend Checklist I Wish I Had

The Warning Signs I Wish Someone Had Told Me About

I stayed too long. Way too long.

Two years with someone who made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells. Two years of convincing myself that the good moments made up for the bad ones. (Spoiler: they didn't.)

When it finally ended, I sat down and made a list. Not of what I wanted in a partner—I'd done that before. But of what I'd ignored. The red flags I'd rationalized away.

This isn't a list from a therapist or a dating expert. It's from someone who learned these lessons the hard way.

He makes you feel crazy

This was the big one for me.

Every time I brought up something that bothered me, somehow I ended up apologizing. I'd go into a conversation confident I had a valid concern, and leave wondering if I was too sensitive. Too needy. Too much.

I wasn't.

If you're constantly questioning your own reality, that's not you being dramatic. That's gaslighting. And it messes with your head in ways that take years to untangle.

Your friends don't like him

I ignored this completely.

My friends tried to tell me. Not directly at first—they'd make little comments. "He seems kind of controlling." "Are you sure you're happy?" Eventually my best friend sat me down and told me straight.

I got defensive. I thought they didn't understand him like I did.

Here's what I know now: the people who love you can see things you can't. Not because you're stupid, but because love literally changes how your brain processes information. Your friends aren't blinded the same way.

When everyone who cares about you is worried, maybe listen.

He keeps score

"I did the dishes last time."

"I paid for dinner on Tuesday, so you owe me."

"I let you go to your friend's birthday, remember?"

Relationships aren't transactions. If someone treats kindness like currency, keeping track of who owes what, that's not partnership. That's a business arrangement with worse terms.

You can't be yourself

I stopped listening to certain music because he'd make comments. I changed how I dressed. I filtered every thought before speaking, calculating whether it would set him off.

I became a smaller version of myself.

The right person makes you feel more like yourself, not less. If you're editing your personality to avoid conflict, something's very wrong.

He's only nice when he wants something

The flowers after a fight. The sudden affection when he wanted to borrow money. The compliments right before asking me to skip plans with my family.

I mistook this for him trying. For him making an effort.

But real kindness doesn't come with strings. It doesn't appear strategically. It just... is there. Consistently. Without an agenda.

Your gut knows

This one's hard to put into words.

There's a feeling you get when something's off. A tightness in your chest. A hesitation before answering "how are things going?" It's easy to dismiss. Easy to rationalize.

I rationalized for two years.

Your body keeps score of things your brain hasn't caught up to yet. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Even if you can't explain why.

He doesn't grow

Same arguments. Same excuses. Same promises to change that never materialized.

For me, I kept thinking that if I just explained things better, or was more patient, or gave it more time, he'd finally get it. He'd finally change.

People can change. But they have to want to. And wanting to means actually doing the work—not just saying the right words when you threaten to leave.

You're afraid to bring things up

I'd rehearse conversations in my head for days before having them. Sometimes I'd decide it wasn't worth the fight and just let things go.

I accumulated resentments like they were collectibles.

In a healthy relationship, you can bring up problems without fearing the fallout. If you're scared to have basic conversations about your needs, that's not you being conflict-avoidant. That's you living in an unsafe dynamic.

What I learned

Looking back, I had all the information I needed. I just didn't want to see it.

Sometimes we stay because leaving is terrifying. Because we've invested so much. Because we remember who they were at the beginning and keep hoping that person will come back.

But that person might not have been real. Or they might not exist anymore.

If you're reading this and recognizing patterns, I'm not here to tell you what to do. Only you know your situation. But I will say this: you deserve someone who makes you feel safe. Someone who makes you feel like yourself. Someone who doesn't require a checklist to prove they're not hurting you.

That person exists. I found mine eventually.

But first, I had to leave the one who wasn't.

If you want to keep track of standards and spot patterns early, I use an app called The Bar. It helped me finally trust my own judgment again.

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